How to Recognize a Potentially Abusive Relationship

Have you had a disturbing experience in your current relationship? One that made you wonder what might happen next, if a fight like this one happened again? Or do you just feel a certain dread when thinking about the way your partner will react to a situation? Could it be that your relationship has begun to cross the line from marginal to abusive? Here's how to recognize some of the most common signs, either in your own relationship or that of a friend.

EditSteps

1. 1
   Look hard at any incidents that give you an 'uh-oh' feeling. If you've seen or experienced any of the signs listed in the next steps, it is highly likely that you are in an abusive relationship, or one that is about to escalate into an abusive stage.
   • Note: It is as important to notice these things in a friend's relationship as in your own. Friends stepping in to help prevent an abusive relationship can sometimes be the only way the abused person can see the reality and begin to find ways out.
2. 2
   Check how your partner talks about you. Language is a powerful tool; it can also be wielded as a weapon to keep you in line and under the abusive person's "spell". Expressing contempt while still professing love is a deep sign of danger.
   • Watch for name-calling or insulting remarks. If s/he's calling you "stupid," that's bad, and you should call your partner on it, saying that you will not accept being called names like this.
   • If s/he's calling you a "stupid b**ch" or a "dumb whore," that's way over the line.
   • Listen to your own internal self-talk. If you start to internalize his/her negative claims about you, you may start telling yourself that you're not good enough, you're not good looking enough, you're not a good person, etc. Recognize this for what it is––his/her mind games to try and get you to put yourself down and feel worthless.
3. 3
   See how your partner positions himself/herself in terms of others. If s/he thinks that s/he is the center of the universe and that anything you do is wrong, then you're in danger. A person unable to see their own errors or be willing to own up to mistakes they've made is emotionally unhealthy and liable to cause harm to you.
4. 4
   Watch for patterns of intense possessiveness or jealousy. Anyone who gets angry or sulky when you want to go and have a night out with the girls or boys, or who questions you mercilessly any time you're seen talking to a member of the opposite sex is being too possessive. Possessiveness is not cute and sweet when it becomes akin to hoarding. If you feel you're being kept away from friends and relatives, or smothered because you can't go anywhere without your partner, it's borderline abuse. It's also almost always the way abusive relationships get started.
   • Notice if your partner gets angry when you spend time with others, even if it's only your own family members.
   • Does your partner insist that you go everywhere together and never spend time apart? Be very wary.
5. 5
   Watch how s/he treats his/her parents. If your partner is rude or dismissive to his/her own parents, how do you think you and any kids you might have in future will be treated? Remember that, right now, while your relationship is relatively young, your partner is on his/her best behavior. How will things be when s/he no longer feels s/he needs to impress you?
   • However, still be vigilant even if your partner is being nice to his/her parents but displays the other signs in this article. In this case, it's highly probable the s/he is very good at covering up abusive behavior around certain people because it's in his/her interest to do so.
6. 6
   Notice if s/he won't take no for an answer. When you have declined an invitation ("Let's go over and hang with Rick and Joni tomorrow night"), s/he will not accept it. S/he wheedles, coaxes, begs, sulks, or starts a fight over it, until s/he gets his/her way, and you end up going to the event you have already said you weren't going to.
   • This can occur in a range of contexts, including date days and times, clothing you wear, food you eat, etc. An abusive person will often insist that you do things his/her preferred way and won't back down until you agree.
7. 7
   Consider whether there is pressure placed on you to change or move faster than you're prepared to. If s/he rushes or pushes you to become more involved at a faster pace than you are comfortable with or demands that you change the way you are, then this is abusive. Not respecting your need to move slowly, trying to guilt or coerce you into something you're not ready for or wanting you to turn into someone you're not is a sign of someone who could potentially become abusive.
   • Obviously, this is not always the case––sometimes the emotions are just unbalanced and your partner feels more for you sooner than you do. But if the pushing or rushing feels really uncomfortable, and if it's persistent, or worse, relentless, you need to back him/her off very firmly.
   • Part of abuse is establishing control over the relationship––and thereby over you. Pushing constantly for affirmation or for more intimacy, especially early on, can be a sign of the type of insecure behavior that can help create an abusive relationship.
   • Signs to watch for include: Saying things like, "I love you," or "You belong to me, and only me" when you've only been dating a few months, especially when accompanied by bizarre interrogations and/or accusations about who you were talking to and where you have been. In terms of wanting you to change, be careful if your partner keeps saying things like "I wish you could be more like X", "You're too much like your mother, you need to change" or "I hate how you look––you could be so much prettier if you only tried/lost weight/dyed your hair, etc."
8. 8
   Observe the way arguments proceed. How do you disagree? Calmly, rationally, expressing your feelings and negotiating a resolution that's satisfying to both of you? Or does every disagreement escalate into a huge, hours-long row? Does s/he instantly begin pouting, yelling, or calling names? This can be a clue to bad things in store. Particularly, watch for him/her to shut down into a moody, angry sulk, with the only responses to your complaints a terse, "B**ch", "Effer" or "Stupid ho," or something similar.
9. 9
   Note how your partner treats alcohol and drugs. Is s/he using alcohol or drugs to excess? Does your partner become more violent, difficult, nasty and selfish when using drugs or alcohol? Does s/he make excuses by blaming the drugs or alcohol for harmful behavior directed at you? Does the "confidence" your partner seems to gain from drugs or alcohol mean danger for you? Alcohol and drugs are never an excuse for behavior, no matter what your partner says. Every person has a choice to take or not take these substances and to know his/her limitations and respect them. A person who chooses to be in a drug- or alcohol-infused state of rage is dangerous, selfish and in need of rehabilitation. You do not deserve to be harmed and you do not have to be your partner's savior; s/he is beyond individual help at this stage and needs medical intervention.
10. 10
    Consider whether you feel as if you're constantly walking on eggshells. That's what you feel you need to do around him/her, just to be "safe". Is s/he extremely prickly––in other words, can the tiniest disagreement or criticism set him/her off? If so, this person can become abusive in a relationship. You should feel your most relaxed, and your most "yourself" with this person; you should never feel you need to "be careful" of what you say for fear you are going to set him/her off into a long, tiresome, or frightening, tirade. Any time you find yourself watching what you say for fear that s/he'll get angry––again––you should re-evaluate your relationship.
11. 11
    Ask yourself if you're actually afraid of him/her. No matter how much you love your partner, if you're afraid of him/her, you have a problem. You may miss him/her terribly when you're apart (see the note in the Tips below), but actually dread him/her coming home. That's a clue that your relationship has already crossed the line.
    • Is your partner unpredictable? This is a classic sign of an abusive person. One moment s/he seems really caring, the next s/he is threatening to kill you. If you never know where you stand with this person, you're in an abusive relationship, be it emotionally or physically expressed, or both.
12. 12
    See physical abuse for what it is. If anyone hits you, ever, it's never okay. It's not "for your own good." You didn't "make" him/her hit you or throw a skillet at your head. There are times in most relationships where one partner or the other lashes out physically; contextually, that may be understandable if it is rare and is never violently directed toward you (for example, your partner gets angry enough to kick a trash can, etc). Recognize the difference between someone who might momentarily lose control out of frustration and anger, and someone who simply resorts to physical violence as a means of subduing you.
    • In a nutshell, physical violence toward you is never okay. You do not cause anybody to be violent; it is entirely the choice and responsibility of the violence creator and it is always within that person's control to not be violent.
    • Threats to hurt you are as bad as physical violence. Regard them seriously and see them as danger signs.
    • Violence begets violence. Once the perpetrator has hit, punched or kicked you, it suddenly becomes easier to do it again. This person figures that s/he got away with it, so why not try again. Forgiving someone for hurting you once can open the doorway to being hurt again and again.
    • If your partner hurts or injures animals, be very wary. This is a sign of a violent person.
13. 13
    Look for combinations of the above. Be sensible here. Just because someone does one or two of these things does not mean s/he is abusive. But when you see several of those signals beginning to emerge and form a pattern, it's time to end that relationship. Patterns of abuse rarely dissolve. Much more usually, they escalate, becoming worse and more dangerous with every day that goes by.

EditTips

• Talk to someone if you sense a shift in your relationship from turbulent to scary. If you need to get out, this person can help you move or find a refuge.
• Try to notice whether you spend all your time with him/her and let your other relationships go, just to avoid fights. If so, you're becoming overly dependent on that relationship and stuck in his/her power. When you're too dependent, you have no support network for rough times. (However, your partner probably really likes knowing you're utterly dependent on him/her for human contact and that's not good.)
• Some abusers use external affairs as a form of control. If s/he is having affairs and states that s/he would rather be with that person knowing full well that you won't leave him/her, this is abuse.

EditWarnings

• Don't be fooled by his/her promises to change. Let's say you've had a talk one time, and you've said, "I love you, but if you hit me again, I'm gone." S/he tearfully apologizes and promises it will never happen again. Two weeks later, you have another bruise because s/he pushed you into a doorknob really hard. Accept the truth: nothing has changed.And it probably will only change for the worse from here, not for the better.
• If he or she treats waiters or waitresses, taxi drivers, concierges or anyone else in the service industry terribly, walk away. This is a sign that s/he has a mean superiority complex that divides the world into worthies and unworthies and this sense of unworthiness will soon be inflicted on you.
• If you leave an abusive partner, and s/he continues to stalk you, see the police immediately to seek a restraining order. It may also be safer to move elsewhere and to change your regular patterns for a while until s/he ceases to be as obsessed with you.