How to Spot and Avoid Secondhand Stress

Secondhand stress is a real but often unacknowledged source of stress in our lives. It is caused by being exposed to other stressed people––yes, stress is contagious, just like the common cold, only you're less likely to blame it on someone else! In this article, you'll learn how to spot secondhand stress and how to start immunizing yourself against it more effectively.

EditSteps

1. 1
   Treat stress like a contagious disease. When someone else is stressed, unless you've already created strong personal boundaries and are able to stay alert to the externalsource of what is upsetting you, it's very easy to let someone else's anxiety or sense of urgency increase your own inner feelings of stress. Secondhand stress is an unconscious absorption of negative emotions, thought to be precipitated by firing of the "mirror neurons" in our brain that try hard to keep us in synch with those around us.^[1]
   • Notice how you feel when someone around you is pacing, glancing about rapidly, acting impatiently, toe-tapping, snapping at you, or similar potentially negative actions. Note how long it takes for you to feel as anxious or impatient as them; for many people, it's not long at all.
   • It's also possible that the pheromones in the sweat of an anxious and impatient person may cause you to react likewise.^[1]
2. 2
   Identify the people in your life who are "sick" with stress. It's usually emitted by those people closest to you, in terms of relationships and time spent together. Thus, it tends to be your spouse/partner, children, work colleagues and supervisors and anyone else you spend a lot of time with, such as close friends or even neighbors.
   • In many cases, women tend to be more susceptible to secondhand stress, due to the feelings obliged to be constantly available to care for people and to soothe other's pain. Regardless of gender, this desire to be there for others even when you're feeling stretched yourself can open you up to taking on people's burdens and negative feelings too.
3. 3
   Recognize the situations in which secondhand stress can occur. There are lots of times when you can unconsciously take on board another's stress but some of the more common situations include:
   • A colleague, boss or client pressures you about a deadline that he or she perceives as urgent. You don't believe it to be as urgent as this person insists but by the time you've heard his or her stress about it, you've joined the club.
   • Your boss, colleague, spouse, friend, etc., is really stressed about an upcoming event and continuously seeks your advice and reassurance about it. Eventually, despite knowing that it's all under control your end, you find it stressful too.
   • Your workplace is a hive of woes and moaning about potential job losses, pay cuts or downsizing, and the rumors grow daily. It's hard to stay above this type of generalized workplace stress and you soon find yourself succumbing to the secondhand stress.
   • You're about to have a baby and you're perfectly fine about it until your mother, sisters and previously pregnant friends start on with their horror stories about what can go wrong. Suddenly, their worries become yours too. This isn't just a pregnancy issue though––it can apply to anyone about to experience a life-changing event, such as having surgery, buying a new home, adopting a child, supporting a loved one in prison, etc.
   • A boss or supervisor is behaving tensely, uptight and irritable; to top it off, she's not giving away much but is trying to "soldier on." It's hard not to absorb the stress oozing from someone you perceive as a role model and whose single command can redirect all of your efforts.
   • You work or socialize with someone who is always stressed out and high strung. No matter how positive you feel before meeting this person, he or she sends you downward the moment you're near them, every time. This always sour-and-down personality type will transfer negative emotions easily, if you don't realize what's really happening at a conscious level––namely, that you're taking on board this person's stress and negative outlook.
   • You're on a call desk, such as for IT problems. Every call is considered by each caller to be urgent and a "must-be-fixed" now situation. The secondhand stress from taking on board other people's sense of urgency can be overwhelming if you don't learn to manage it well.
   • If you're working in constant real emergency situations (such as being an emergency worker, paramedic, etc.), your entire job is a recognized source of bringing on secondhand stress, something a good workplace should already have recognized and has programs in place to assist you.
4. 4
   Take charge of your own emotions. Once you can recognize the times in your life when stress seems to be catching, you can begin to stop yourself from falling victim to absorbing other people's stress.
   • Realize that secondhand stress tends to linger. It can be worse than stress caused by your own feelings because you truly feel you don't have control over it and often don't understand its source. However, this is part of the key to coping––let go of any idea of "controlling" the stress source. The perpetrator of the secondhand stress is beyond your control but your response to their stress is always something you can control.
   • Distract yourself and place a visual or physical reaction barrier between you and the stress. Focus on something other than the person sending out their own stress signals. Focus on your breathing, deeply inhaling and exhaling to a count of 10. Pinch the palm of your hand to remind yourself to remain focused on the problem as solvable, not on the person as tension causing. Focus on a favorite color. Focus on a mind's eye picture of a beautiful natural place you cherish.
   • Notice yourself mimicking stressful stances, attitudes and body language. Are you scrunching up your shoulders just like the stressful colleague? Are you screwing up your forehead with worry just like your spouse? Take a moment to notice how tense your body is and make a conscious choice to relax every part of it and shake off those negative vibes.
5. 5
   Be an atmosphere changer. When secondhand stress starts coming your way, try avoid catching it anymore. Here are some suggestions to help distance yourself while still being compassionate and engaged:
   • If it's someone complaining about things, tell them something positive about themselves or the situation.
   • If they're worried about meeting a deadline, suggest spending time together to plot out a way to reassure the worrier. You could offer to show this person how you prioritize pressing tasks.
   • If they're worried something won't be satisfactory, offer to read through their work, check their calculations, test their theories, critique their efforts, or show them how. Don't accept worrying as a reason for staying negative. Remember that action is always the antidote to worry and feeling down.
6. 6
   If the person isn't reassured or buoyed up by your attempts to see the more positive side to things, take a break. There's no need to hang around a negative atmosphere soaking up even more of it.
   • Suggest that you make a cup of coffee or tea for you both.
   • If it's hard to get away, tell the person you need to visit the bathroom.
   • Take a walk outside if possible, or just to a different part of the building, to clear your head and shake off those blues that descended on you from elsewhere. Physical exercise is proven to beat stress, provided you actually do some.^[1]
7. 7
   If you're in a work or volunteer situation, rather than a personal one, turn to workplace or volunteer guides, manuals and training. If it's the style of job or volunteer work you're doing, such as answering constant problem calls or tending to emergencies, your workplace or volunteer organization should have training for coping with secondhand stress. Manuals will often give you step-by-step approaches to dealing with the more difficult people you'll encounter in life––make sure you are comfortable with using these self-defense strategies to protect yourself while still helping other people. If there isn't anything in place already, ask for it or get a band of coworkers/volunteers together to ask as a group.
   • If it's a situation where the stress involves injuries and perhaps even death, such as for doctors, nurses, emergency workers and police, ask your organization to ensure that you get both adequate stress support and debriefing opportunities. Your situation is unique and very hard to deal with alone.
8. 8
   Acknowledge and accept what you can't change. You won't always be able to put a positive shine on a situation or personal issue and you won't always be able/want to be out of the presence of a stressful person or situation. In this case, you'll need to armor yourself mentally and be prepared to remain positive and to not allow the stressful person's outlook to color yours. You also need to be prepared to talk honestly:
   • Stop trying to protect and comfort someone who is a source of stress when this increases your own stress. Sometimes you'll need to call it like it is, as it's quite possible the person bringing the stress home from work or spreading it around work, doesn't even realize the impact that he or she is having on others. Tell the person in question about the impact his or her stress is having on you. Use "I" statements but don't avoid it; the other person needs to understand how harmful this has become to you.
   • Try kindness. React with compassion rather than irritation or aggression. Knowing that your own tetchy feelings derive from theirs, make a decision to treat the stressed person with kindness (and a few smiles). It may work enough to calm them down but even if it doesn't, it will help you to distance yourself from their stress and to also be kind to yourself.

EditTips

• Get away from stressful situations as often as possible. If the stressful person is close to you, consider taking him or her away too––weekend hikes and cabin stays by the sea, overseas vacations, weekends spent out of internet or phone reach, spa days, etc. are all ways to unwind and let your real feelings have a chance to come to the fore.
• Plan a minimum weekly thing that keeps you happy and is totally unrelated to the situation or person stressing you. It might be a movie a week, a visit with friends, dinner in a different restaurant, an afternoon spent at the library reading new book acquisitions, a day strolling around an historic part of town––whatever you choose, make it your sacred happy time.
• Practice meditation or mindfulness. These can help to build up your resilience against stressful people and situations.
• Children can suffer from secondhand stress, especially if you pile expectations to achieve on them and have too many after-school activities added to their schedule. If a child is living life in your fast lane, slow down and let your child be a child instead; adult responsibilities will come soon enough.

EditWarnings

• Some of the side effects of secondhand stress include raised blood pressure, impaired digestion, insomnia, depression, fatigue, tension and poor memory.
• Beware of "friendships" that consist of nothing more than the other person telling you all their woes, troubles and problems. The more negative their talk, the more wary you should be. Ultimately, absorbing all this negativity will make you feel bad about yourself and not just worried about your friend.