How To Tell if Someone Is Lying to You

A Few Simple, Telltale Signs That You Might Not Be Getting the Truth

From little white lies to nation-destroying omissions, lying has been around as long as the truth. And while lying has a rich history, the vast majority of humanity, almost all of the time, tells the truth. And why not? It is far easier, creates an atmosphere of trust, and facilitates a stable society. But every now and again, you get the sneaking suspicion that the person across from you isn't giving it to you straight.

Everyone wants to know how to catch liars in the act...in fact, while this article has some great tips, you can find even more information in Bust Liars: Become a Human Lie Detector.  This book will tell you everything you need to know about picking up on those subtle hints liars can't help but display.

So how do you tell if you're being lied to? Before we cover that, we have to ask two important questions.

The first question is: Do you really want to know? Some people willingly blind themselves and accept a lie as fact solely because the truth might be too painful to handle.

On the other hand, some people are so desperate to believe that the painful truth is a lie that they will see “signs of lying” where none exist.

The first step to discovering a lie, then, is to be aware of your personal feelings about the subject. In other words, what is your involvement in this possible lie?

The second question is: Why would this person lie to you? What is at stake here? Maybe he is afraid of being punished, or of the loss of the ability to obtain what he desires (for instance, your business), or, ironically, he is afraid he will lose your trust.

In order to really be accurate in spotting a lie, you must be aware of the other person's motivations for lying to you, including what you might do to him if you knew the truth.

An example of this is a child lying to a parent to avoid being grounded: He is desperately avoiding the punishment he is certain the truth would bring. The parent, being aware of this, is in a better position to gauge the child's lie.

So, you want to know, you're certain he has a reason and you've got the feeling that he is hidingthe truth? Let's test that theory...with science!

1. Know how he talks normally. The first step to reading a liar's body language is to know his normal, everyday conversational habits. This is referred to as someone's “baseline” behavior – normal eye, hand and body movements during a pleasant conversation in which there is no pressure or lying. This will allow you to detect variations when the lie occurs, without mistaking a naturally awkward or shy person for a chronic liar.
2. Notice how stress influences his patterns. It is notoriously difficult to tell the difference between a person who has been put on the spot (that is, under stress and pressure), and an out-and-out liar. This is because most of the tell-tale signs of lying are based around the fact that telling a lie is a stressful event on the body and mind – it seems humans are not built for distorting the truth, and forcing that situation has recognizable repercussions.
3. Look for the signs. This is a list of the most common “tells” that people have while attempting to lie. Again, note that most of these also occur when someone is feeling stressed by the conversation.
   • Little to no body movement. People will sometimes “freeze,” not quite facing the other person, and will move as little as possible during the lie. Alternatively, some people will fight this by being overly dramatic, moving the body much more than normal to try and “sell” the lie.
   • No eye contact. A lot of information is conveyed through eye contact, and most people have an extremely hard time lying to someone while looking directly into his eyes. Sometimes this will only occur at the moment of the lie, a brief glance at the floor or to the right. Again, some will try to sell the lie by making and maintaining eye contact fiercely, much more so than usual.
   • Stress gestures (rapid blinking, scratching, itching, swallowing, fidgeting, etc.). If discovered, a deception carries much greater risk of punishment than simply telling the truth, and people understand this. This uncomfortable situation will make them uncomfortable, and they will act accordingly.
   • Looking up to the right. Looking up and to the right stimulates the part of the brain associated with imagination (that is, making things up), whereas looking up and to the left stimulates the part of the brain associated with recalling memories (that is, telling the truth).
   • Touching the nose and covering the face/mouth. Habits from childhood, these gestures are a subconscious attempt to “cover up” the lie, and put distance between the liar and you.
   • Rise in vocal pitch. Another product of stress, the liar's voice will get higher and squeaky. This should be noticeable if you are familiar with his normal speaking voice.
   • Wide-eyed, innocent look. Another product of childhood fibs, based on the “who, me?” fake innocence usually associated with a kid denying he has his hand in the cookie jar while it is still in there.
   • A noticeable pause in speaking. Most people lack the ability to come up with a plausible fiction in an instant, so they have to take a moment to think something up. This results in a pause, usually right before the lie itself, while they desperately reach for something other than the truth. Careful questioning will reveal variations in their story, as a consistent fiction is hard to remember, whereas actual events are usually easy to recall.
4. Lying by omission. Sometimes a lie will happen by not speaking – that is, the liar omits an important piece of information from an otherwise truthful statement. However, this omission will, in the mind of the liar, poison the “truthful” statement, thus rendering it a lie. The above signs will still be present, with the addition of more obvious signs after he has finished talking. (An example: After talking in a relatively truthful manner, he falls silent and immediately looks away, covering his mouth and fidgeting.)
5. Ask. A risky maneuver, as a person who is telling the truth may be horribly offended. Sometimes, however, a liar will come clean if given the chance to, as he realizes that continuing to lie when you know he's doing so would be far worse than just admitting the lie.
6. Trust your intuition. Notice I say “intuition” and not “desire.” Most people have a pretty decent “lie detector” built in, and if you trust it, it can usually point the way. However, some people may want to believe they are being lied to, and they mistake this desire for “a gut feeling.” So before you start accusing anyone of a lie, make sure you're not trying to project your desire on an innocent person.

Using the above steps, you should be able to determine the difference between a lie and the truth to a much more accurate degree. And while we may not have an answer to how to define truth for certain, we will at least be able to tell if the other person feels like he is lying...and if it feels like a lie, it probably is.

Good luck!

 

Caution:

• Looking for lies obsessively will yield many...sometimes some that are not even there.
• A belief that everyone always tells the truth will not foster an atmosphere of trust.
• While you're looking for a lie in someone, he may be looking for one in you!

Quick Tips:

• Look for unusual eye contact - too much or far too little.
• Professional liars can correct for almost all tells, so be wary.
• When in doubt, ask.

Useful Links:

• Wikipedia on Lying
• Eye Direction and Lying

How to Recognize a Potentially Abusive Relationship

Have you had a disturbing experience in your current relationship? One that made you wonder what might happen next, if a fight like this one happened again? Or do you just feel a certain dread when thinking about the way your partner will react to a situation? Could it be that your relationship has begun to cross the line from marginal to abusive? Here's how to recognize some of the most common signs, either in your own relationship or that of a friend.

EditSteps

1. 1
   Look hard at any incidents that give you an 'uh-oh' feeling. If you've seen or experienced any of the signs listed in the next steps, it is highly likely that you are in an abusive relationship, or one that is about to escalate into an abusive stage.
   • Note: It is as important to notice these things in a friend's relationship as in your own. Friends stepping in to help prevent an abusive relationship can sometimes be the only way the abused person can see the reality and begin to find ways out.
2. 2
   Check how your partner talks about you. Language is a powerful tool; it can also be wielded as a weapon to keep you in line and under the abusive person's "spell". Expressing contempt while still professing love is a deep sign of danger.
   • Watch for name-calling or insulting remarks. If s/he's calling you "stupid," that's bad, and you should call your partner on it, saying that you will not accept being called names like this.
   • If s/he's calling you a "stupid b**ch" or a "dumb whore," that's way over the line.
   • Listen to your own internal self-talk. If you start to internalize his/her negative claims about you, you may start telling yourself that you're not good enough, you're not good looking enough, you're not a good person, etc. Recognize this for what it is––his/her mind games to try and get you to put yourself down and feel worthless.
3. 3
   See how your partner positions himself/herself in terms of others. If s/he thinks that s/he is the center of the universe and that anything you do is wrong, then you're in danger. A person unable to see their own errors or be willing to own up to mistakes they've made is emotionally unhealthy and liable to cause harm to you.
4. 4
   Watch for patterns of intense possessiveness or jealousy. Anyone who gets angry or sulky when you want to go and have a night out with the girls or boys, or who questions you mercilessly any time you're seen talking to a member of the opposite sex is being too possessive. Possessiveness is not cute and sweet when it becomes akin to hoarding. If you feel you're being kept away from friends and relatives, or smothered because you can't go anywhere without your partner, it's borderline abuse. It's also almost always the way abusive relationships get started.
   • Notice if your partner gets angry when you spend time with others, even if it's only your own family members.
   • Does your partner insist that you go everywhere together and never spend time apart? Be very wary.
5. 5
   Watch how s/he treats his/her parents. If your partner is rude or dismissive to his/her own parents, how do you think you and any kids you might have in future will be treated? Remember that, right now, while your relationship is relatively young, your partner is on his/her best behavior. How will things be when s/he no longer feels s/he needs to impress you?
   • However, still be vigilant even if your partner is being nice to his/her parents but displays the other signs in this article. In this case, it's highly probable the s/he is very good at covering up abusive behavior around certain people because it's in his/her interest to do so.
6. 6
   Notice if s/he won't take no for an answer. When you have declined an invitation ("Let's go over and hang with Rick and Joni tomorrow night"), s/he will not accept it. S/he wheedles, coaxes, begs, sulks, or starts a fight over it, until s/he gets his/her way, and you end up going to the event you have already said you weren't going to.
   • This can occur in a range of contexts, including date days and times, clothing you wear, food you eat, etc. An abusive person will often insist that you do things his/her preferred way and won't back down until you agree.
7. 7
   Consider whether there is pressure placed on you to change or move faster than you're prepared to. If s/he rushes or pushes you to become more involved at a faster pace than you are comfortable with or demands that you change the way you are, then this is abusive. Not respecting your need to move slowly, trying to guilt or coerce you into something you're not ready for or wanting you to turn into someone you're not is a sign of someone who could potentially become abusive.
   • Obviously, this is not always the case––sometimes the emotions are just unbalanced and your partner feels more for you sooner than you do. But if the pushing or rushing feels really uncomfortable, and if it's persistent, or worse, relentless, you need to back him/her off very firmly.
   • Part of abuse is establishing control over the relationship––and thereby over you. Pushing constantly for affirmation or for more intimacy, especially early on, can be a sign of the type of insecure behavior that can help create an abusive relationship.
   • Signs to watch for include: Saying things like, "I love you," or "You belong to me, and only me" when you've only been dating a few months, especially when accompanied by bizarre interrogations and/or accusations about who you were talking to and where you have been. In terms of wanting you to change, be careful if your partner keeps saying things like "I wish you could be more like X", "You're too much like your mother, you need to change" or "I hate how you look––you could be so much prettier if you only tried/lost weight/dyed your hair, etc."
8. 8
   Observe the way arguments proceed. How do you disagree? Calmly, rationally, expressing your feelings and negotiating a resolution that's satisfying to both of you? Or does every disagreement escalate into a huge, hours-long row? Does s/he instantly begin pouting, yelling, or calling names? This can be a clue to bad things in store. Particularly, watch for him/her to shut down into a moody, angry sulk, with the only responses to your complaints a terse, "B**ch", "Effer" or "Stupid ho," or something similar.
9. 9
   Note how your partner treats alcohol and drugs. Is s/he using alcohol or drugs to excess? Does your partner become more violent, difficult, nasty and selfish when using drugs or alcohol? Does s/he make excuses by blaming the drugs or alcohol for harmful behavior directed at you? Does the "confidence" your partner seems to gain from drugs or alcohol mean danger for you? Alcohol and drugs are never an excuse for behavior, no matter what your partner says. Every person has a choice to take or not take these substances and to know his/her limitations and respect them. A person who chooses to be in a drug- or alcohol-infused state of rage is dangerous, selfish and in need of rehabilitation. You do not deserve to be harmed and you do not have to be your partner's savior; s/he is beyond individual help at this stage and needs medical intervention.
10. 10
    Consider whether you feel as if you're constantly walking on eggshells. That's what you feel you need to do around him/her, just to be "safe". Is s/he extremely prickly––in other words, can the tiniest disagreement or criticism set him/her off? If so, this person can become abusive in a relationship. You should feel your most relaxed, and your most "yourself" with this person; you should never feel you need to "be careful" of what you say for fear you are going to set him/her off into a long, tiresome, or frightening, tirade. Any time you find yourself watching what you say for fear that s/he'll get angry––again––you should re-evaluate your relationship.
11. 11
    Ask yourself if you're actually afraid of him/her. No matter how much you love your partner, if you're afraid of him/her, you have a problem. You may miss him/her terribly when you're apart (see the note in the Tips below), but actually dread him/her coming home. That's a clue that your relationship has already crossed the line.
    • Is your partner unpredictable? This is a classic sign of an abusive person. One moment s/he seems really caring, the next s/he is threatening to kill you. If you never know where you stand with this person, you're in an abusive relationship, be it emotionally or physically expressed, or both.
12. 12
    See physical abuse for what it is. If anyone hits you, ever, it's never okay. It's not "for your own good." You didn't "make" him/her hit you or throw a skillet at your head. There are times in most relationships where one partner or the other lashes out physically; contextually, that may be understandable if it is rare and is never violently directed toward you (for example, your partner gets angry enough to kick a trash can, etc). Recognize the difference between someone who might momentarily lose control out of frustration and anger, and someone who simply resorts to physical violence as a means of subduing you.
    • In a nutshell, physical violence toward you is never okay. You do not cause anybody to be violent; it is entirely the choice and responsibility of the violence creator and it is always within that person's control to not be violent.
    • Threats to hurt you are as bad as physical violence. Regard them seriously and see them as danger signs.
    • Violence begets violence. Once the perpetrator has hit, punched or kicked you, it suddenly becomes easier to do it again. This person figures that s/he got away with it, so why not try again. Forgiving someone for hurting you once can open the doorway to being hurt again and again.
    • If your partner hurts or injures animals, be very wary. This is a sign of a violent person.
13. 13
    Look for combinations of the above. Be sensible here. Just because someone does one or two of these things does not mean s/he is abusive. But when you see several of those signals beginning to emerge and form a pattern, it's time to end that relationship. Patterns of abuse rarely dissolve. Much more usually, they escalate, becoming worse and more dangerous with every day that goes by.

EditTips

• Talk to someone if you sense a shift in your relationship from turbulent to scary. If you need to get out, this person can help you move or find a refuge.
• Try to notice whether you spend all your time with him/her and let your other relationships go, just to avoid fights. If so, you're becoming overly dependent on that relationship and stuck in his/her power. When you're too dependent, you have no support network for rough times. (However, your partner probably really likes knowing you're utterly dependent on him/her for human contact and that's not good.)
• Some abusers use external affairs as a form of control. If s/he is having affairs and states that s/he would rather be with that person knowing full well that you won't leave him/her, this is abuse.

EditWarnings

• Don't be fooled by his/her promises to change. Let's say you've had a talk one time, and you've said, "I love you, but if you hit me again, I'm gone." S/he tearfully apologizes and promises it will never happen again. Two weeks later, you have another bruise because s/he pushed you into a doorknob really hard. Accept the truth: nothing has changed.And it probably will only change for the worse from here, not for the better.
• If he or she treats waiters or waitresses, taxi drivers, concierges or anyone else in the service industry terribly, walk away. This is a sign that s/he has a mean superiority complex that divides the world into worthies and unworthies and this sense of unworthiness will soon be inflicted on you.
• If you leave an abusive partner, and s/he continues to stalk you, see the police immediately to seek a restraining order. It may also be safer to move elsewhere and to change your regular patterns for a while until s/he ceases to be as obsessed with you.

How to Respect Older People

Elderly people are now who you will one day become. Respecting their wisdom, knowledge, grace and fortitude should come second nature to younger generations but it isn't always the case. Sometimes we need reminding of why it is so important to respect our elders for what they have to impart to us that will help ease our journey through life.

EditSteps

1. 1
   Reflect upon your own agism. Do you think that people who are even only five years older than you are "really old"? If so, you're likely to see someone who is 60 years older than you as positively fossilized. And that can be problematic if you fall into the all-too-easy trap of assuming that older means outdated, not with it and stuck-in-the-past. A lot of assumptions are made about aging and most of these assumptions are unhelpful generalizations that prevent connection and knowledge sharing. Start today by throwing aside assumptions about people going by their age. No matter our age, we are still unique individuals, with the same range of values, gifts and flaws as any other person.
   • How many older people count as your friends? If you say none or only your grandparents, think about why this is.
   • Are you afraid of connecting with older people? Do you feel more comfortable with your generalizations and stereotypes of older people? If so, why?
2. 2
   Start noticing older people around you. Observe what they're doing and read about their contributions to society. Many retired people continue to work in their field, often for free, continuing to contribute to the greater basket of world knowledge. Others are taking considerable care of grandchildren or other people's children through care arrangements in home or at childcare centers, ensuring that the next generation is getting the best start possible in life. Others are rediscovering lost hobbies, roaming the world, grappling with life's great mysteries and spending time learning new things that astound them. Perhaps you'll begin to realize that life renews when you grow older, new opportunities open up to flourish anew, to slow down and appreciate what life and the world have to offer. That's to be admired... and respected.
3. 3
   Be considerate of older people's well-being. The reality of the human body is that it deteriorates as we age. Different people age differently, according to their genes, lifestyle choices and life's experiences and so you will find some elderly are much fitter and daredevil than others who are forced to live with illness or medical conditions. It is only proper that fit and healthy younger generations show respect the reality of the human body's growing frailty in ways that acknowledge the younger person's ability to cope more easily with certain physical situations. For example:
   • Stand when an older person needs a seat, be it on public transportation, in a waiting room or anywhere else. You have young, able legs and a need to stay fit by standing on them. And here is the respectful part––do it with grace, not because the person is older than you. Do it because they matter as a human being. In thinking this way, you'll find your attitude shifts a great deal.
   • Do not shout at an elderly person assuming that he or she is deaf or stupid. Being old doesn't necessarily mean hard-of-hearing and it doesn't mean they're stupid. If anything, older people are much wiser than you, they've seen it all and some and have a few good tips for improving your way of living too.
   • If driving an elderly person somewhere, don't assume they want to be in the backseat. Ask them where they'd like to sit first. And be on hand to help them in and out of the car––the distance from the seat can be difficult sometimes for those with less strength in their bodies.
4. 4
   Show respect through manners that acknowledge the greater breadth of wisdom and life experience of each older person. For example:
   • Acknowledge older people when you are having conversations. Talk directly to them, not around them.
   • Unless asked to, do not call someone of an older generation by his or her first name. They'll let you know soon enough if first name basis is okay by them; this applies whether you're 6 or 76––if the person is older than you, be considerate (after all, it keeps you young).
   • Stand when a person of an older generation enters the room or comes to your table in a restaurant. Help them with being seated in their chair if needed.
5. 5
   Avoid assuming helplessness. Help aging people keep their autonomy as long as possible by not doing things for them that they can do for themselves. Never assume that an older person doesn't know how to do something; be tactful and assume that either they know it and don't care to do it or that they'll let you know if they want to learn how. Moreover, don't give unwanted advice––just as you wouldn't do for any other person in your life, respect that an older person can also do without unwanted advice.
   • When you want to be helpful, ask if the help is wanted.
6. 6
   Share memories. Take time to talk to people older than yourself, and the older, the better. When was the last time you sat down with someone two or more generations before yours and had a really good talk? One that involved asking them about their memories, their impressions of how the world has changed (and hasn't) and their ideas of how they'd like the future to be? Sometimes we are so wrapped up in believing that the future always lies with youth that we forget the lessons that older people can teach us. They have seen and experienced things we may never know, or may be decades away from learning ourselves. By opening up and listening to their stories, you can learn a lot, discover things you never knew and perhaps even find a great new friend and confidante. Above all, seek to make connections that resonate with both of you, as this is the highest form of respect for another possible:
   • Talk about where you live now and how it has changed.
   • Talk about places both of you have been to in the world. What did those places mean to this person? Do you have the same feelings?
   • Discuss your shared and different music tastes. Ask what they think about the development of music and about today's styles.
   • Ask about clothes they used to wear and how things have changed. Ask them about their honest opinions on what people should and shouldn't wear and why. You may be surprised.
   • Grab photo albums or go online and find photos of family, friends, your home, your town or city, famous events, etc. Use the photos to initiate any number of amazing discussions about the past, the present and the future.
   • Be open to exploring all sorts of things. Many older people will be absolutely thrilled to have an opportunity to share ideas, dreams, memories, experiences and things they're still hoping to do with you. They may also have amazing things to teach you, like skills that are getting forgotten as humanity modernizes at breakneck speed. And perhaps you can even help them to realize unfulfilled dreams in some way!
7. 7
   Be a teacher too. To be truly respectful, the sharing of knowledge is a two-way street. Older people have every entitlement to learn from the young too, particularly where your skills are stronger. For example, assuming that "all old people are technically incompetent" is a limiting and unhelpful generalization. Many senior people love going online and discovering new things; others may never have been given the opportunity because younger generations assumed they weren't interested. There are lots of ways you might be able to open up a whole new vista for an elderly person or group of elderly people, such as:
   • Teach them how to wiki. Start a wiki with them and help them learn how to use it. Encourage them to keep it updated and to use it as a way to stay connected with each other.
   • Show them how to use Facebook, Twitter and other social networking sites. It's likely that once some of them get the hang of it, they'll make the most of these tools for their own lives.
   • Spend time teaching them how to use the internet, Garage Band, Word, whatever software or online issue you know they'd benefit from. From learning how to pay their bills and do banking online to writing out melodies in electronic form that they have swirling around their head, you can make their lives more enriched and easier through teaching a few simple skills.
   • Don't just reach out to grandmother or local elderly friends. Consider holding classes at a local community center to teach elderly people skills. Keep the price low––or free even––in recognition of all they've given throughout their lives.
8. 8
   Consider nurturing cross-generational activities in your local community to help every generation learn the benefits of stepping outside of its own generational mindset. In particular, find ways to help older people to stay connected with younger generations too, by giving them opportunities to participate in community, school and other events that they can use their skills in. By doing this, you increase wider community respect for elderly people in a way that is active, positive and sharing.
9. 9
   Remember, one day being older will be you. How will you like to be treated? Are you treating the elderly people in your life in the way you would like to be treated? If not, now is the time to begin.
   • Smile and be gracious when in the company of older people. Simply by being open to including senior people in your life, your own life will be enriched.

EditTips

• Finding ways to respect and honor older people is often a pathway to better understanding and acceptance of your own concerns and ideas about aging. Learning about the ways other people have coped with growing older can give you greater insight into taking better care of yourself now and realizing that with old age often comes great new opportunities and a wiser self.
• Some of the things older people can teach you include:
  • How to say no
  • How to live life to the fullest without ruining your reputation
  • How to love yourself, warts and all
  • How to love your wrinkles
  • How to never retire (at least, if you're having so much fun, you don't want to)
  • How to slow down and appreciate life
  • How to accept those few extra pounds or kilos
  • How to treat your own body with more respect
  • How not to sweat the small stuff and to take a more philosophical approach to life.
• Carrying around a chip on your shoulder at how good previous generations had it? By asking people from earlier generations than your own about the past, your ideas of life being easier back then or of them "getting all the breaks" will often be changed dramatically. Communication between generations is an important part of respecting one another and learning instead of assuming.

EditWarnings

• If you do have an ageist attitude, work on undoing it. Being ageist is increasingly becoming an issue of actionable discrimination in many jurisdictions of the world and if you run a business, head a company or you're in charge of human resources decisions, you might fall afoul of such laws if you can't see past your ageist notions.
• Be compassionate if your attempts to engage an elderly person are met with gruffness, anger, annoyance or a rebuff. Pain, years of intolerance, frustration at society, and other reasons may well be behind the gruff exterior, as a way of coping and protecting. Persevere politely.

How to Date a Doctor

If you swoon the minute Dr. McDreamy (or McSteamy) from the hit TV show “Grey’s Anatomy” graces the small screen at home, or if you’ve always been attracted to people who hold powerful jobs, you may be interested in dating a doctor. And if you do manage to find a doctor to date, while you may believe that once you’ve entered into a relationship with a physician you're home free, there are a few aspects you should consider before you fully commit.

EditSteps

1. 1
   Plan to spend many nights and/or days alone. Depending upon his or her profession, your honey may be pulling midnights in the ER or have to rush out in the middle of the night to deliver a baby. Being on call is commonplace for many doctors, so it may well be an experience of half finished events and interrupted sleep unless you're dating a 9 to 5 specialist.
   • Be comfortable attending events or meeting friends for dinner sans your doc date. For at least the initial years, being a doctor is typically not always a 9 to 5 position. He or she will often be called away to attend to an emergency and your dinner plans or evening with friends will have to continue without your doctor date’s company. It's vital for the sake of your relationship and your sanity that you're comfortable in your own skin to continue with your plans and not just stay home––or worse, start fretting––just because he or she can’t make it. It comes with the territory, so get used to it early.
   • Go with the flow when plans change. A rigid plan maker won’t survive in a relationship with a busy physician. Learn how to go with the flow and if plans change, avoid getting upset.
2. 2
   Realize that your doc’s patients come first. As hard as this is to imagine, it may be your birthday but your doctor boyfriend or girlfriend has a very ill patient who needs his or her attention. You will need to make the occasional sacrifice so that he or she can go to work from time to time. Understand that caring for others is part of his or her job. Don’t get jealous or defensive when he or she has to rush to the side of a sick or needy patient. Realize that caring for others and having a good bedside manner is not just part of the job––it's the whole reason why your beloved chose to embrace medicine and help others.
   
   
   
3. 3
   Learn to deal with job distraction. If he or she is “on call”, there is no way you can insist that he or she turn off the cell phone. Understand that you're sharing your doc boyfriend or girlfriend with patients and be okay with this reality.
   
   
   
   • If the ringing phone is truly annoying you, consider asking him or her to put it on vibrate or a less annoying ringtone.
   • Avoid making a face or rolling your eyes when his or her phone rings––even if you're having a fight. Part of dating a doctor means that you can be interrupted any time, any day.
4. 4
   Don’t make him or her your doctor. It’s human nature to want your physician boyfriend or girlfriend to check out every pain or twinge you experience. However, if you're constantly asking for free medical advice, it may start to be more of an annoyance for him or her and could give the impression that you're rather a hypochondriac. Remember that one of the number one rules of dating is to leave a little mystery, especially when it comes to pap smears and piles. Your doc date would rather all medical talk got left at work.
   • Don't try to outsmart your doc date with popular science knowledge. You might have read the most fascinating treatise on treating the latest 'flu but unless you're also medically trained and retrieved that information from reputable medical sources that your doc date would rely on, don't pretend you have all the answers. By all means seek to hold intelligent conversations about the social costs of pandemic 'flu outbreaks and your ideas for better developing country medical access but don't pretend you know how to actually treat anything.
   • Ask for a referral if you're truly worried about something. If he or she has checked that mole and thinks it's okay, but you're still obsessing, ask for a referral and go to your usual doctor or a specialist.
   • Don’t expect him or her to treat you for every issue. Many physicians won’t treat family members because they feel as though it’s unethical. Don’t expect that because you're dating a doctor, you'll automatically receive 24/7 care. Go on the assumption that you will continue visiting your current team of doctors and possibly ask for his or her opinion from time to time if needed.
5. 5
   Realize that you're not the only one who wants to date a doctor. Whether you set out to land a doctor or it just happened that you had a connection with someone and he or she turned out to be a doc, chances are there is a sea of people out there very interested in dating a doctor too. Instead of getting jealous or going on the defense, now is the time to generate inner strength, confidence and independence so doc-fans won’t upset or bother you.
   • Be yourself. You may notice that other folks may fall over themselves at a party to talk to your doctor boyfriend or girlfriend or act overly solicitous at a dinner party. Don’t seek to compete by playing their game––chances are, your doc boyfriend or girlfriend can see those people for who they are. Spend more time cultivating your own wow factor at events, or finding something more interesting to talk to people about than the fact you're dating a doctor.
   • Remember why you are together. He or she may love your fierce independence or sense of humor––most likely the elements that attracted him or her to you in the first place. Remember that you're a unique individual and that your doc is not dating you because you put him or her in a position of power.
6. 6
   Make the most of vacation times together. When your doc date can truly get away from hospital or medical practice and not be on call or even responsible for giving advice, it's usually vacation time. Plan to get away from your usual place and travel so that you can have him or her all to yourself. Go interstate or overseas and stay disconnected from the usual day-do-day routines. This will give both of you plenty of opportunity to spend quality time alone and to learn a lot more about each other.
   • Naturally, as with any date, don't be pushy about going somewhere. Raise it as an option to see if your doc date would like to go somewhere together during his or her vacation.
   • Be prepared for the possibility of a volunteering holiday somewhere challenging. If your doc date loves volunteering, you may need to hop on board and pitch in too. It's more fun when you're both involved.

EditTips

• Although dating a doctor (for the sake of dating someone who is a doctor) may be fine in the beginning, if you feel as though this relationship is getting serious, consider why you're really dating this person. If it’s because of his or her job, it may be time to say goodbye. An entire relationship cannot be built based on someone’s job or perceived prestige.
• Be considerate of dating stuff-ups on the behalf of your doctor friend. It is a well recognized fact that smart people often spend more time on achievements than on developing relationships, and thus may experience a harder time getting dating "just right."^[1] If you're more comfortable with the relationship side, help him or her to discover ways to make good connection and to feel comfortable. If you're both uncomfortable, help each other. And if you're both great with dating, lucky you!
• Be understanding when he or she is called away for work; however, don’t become a doormat. When work is not calling, put down your foot and insist he or she be present.
• Allow space for your doc date to unwind––don't presume that just because he or she is off duty that you can drag him or her off to a dance festival all night. Just as you like to wind down after work, be considerate of your doc date's need to do this too.
• Learn from the outset not to be dependent on having him or her at home at night in order to sleep. After several months or years of dating, you may be sharing a bed. However some people find that they can’t sleep well without their “co-pilot” and will stay awake or sleep poorly until he or she arrives at home. One of the biggest problems with this is that when he or she finally gets home from being on call, bed is the first place your doc will head (as the sun comes up). Unfortunately for you, it may be time to head off to work, take charge of the kids (if you have any later on) or simply be ready for the day.

EditWarnings

• Never ask your doctor boyfriend or girlfriend to do anything that could jeopardize his or her job, such as writing unlawful prescriptions.
• Do not ask your doc date to recount his or her day unless he or she offers to. Pushing for exact details can cause your doc date to feel really uncomfortable––the day may have been difficult and he or she doesn't want to disclose anything about the experience. Moreover, never ask your doc date to breach patient confidentiality; that is sacrosanct. Get used to not knowing all the nitty gritty details and be grateful for small miracles.
• Don't force yourself on him or her during work hours. If you're feeling slighted, you may have the urge to just show up at the hospital for some attention. Not only will you annoy the hospital staff, you could be putting patient’s lives in danger by trying to distract your boyfriend or girlfriend from work. Moreover, it won't take much of being pushy to create distance between you and to have your date wondering if you've got what it takes to cope with his or her career choice.